About A Boy

I sat there eating my lunch quietly. I just stared. He had the biggest blue eyes I ever saw. He was tall and lanky. I had seen him around school a lot and he went to my new church. At 13, he was my first big crush. In middle school, I was quiet and reserved. After the shock of being transferred from homeschooling to public school in 6th grade, I did not talk much. I did not talk to boys. I barely talked to girls. It is a miracle I had friends. My few friends came from being neighbors with half of them.

In the spring of 8th grade, adolescence bloomed and I started to take notice of this boy. We will say his name is Roger. I remember sitting at the long, dark blue and gray flecked lunch table and thinking "I'm gonna date that boy." Strange, I know. Blame it on the awkward phase.

Fast forward four years later. It is 2010 and we are both seniors in high school. Roger and I ended up hanging out and "dating" at the beginning of 9th grade for 3 months. Then in the spring of 9th grade for 2 months. Then the spring of 10th grade for 1 month. We went through phases of having crushes on each other, to hating each other, to finally being best friends. If you asked me to explain how this happened I would not be able to tell you. Roger and I just somehow always ended up being a part of each others' lives.

Being best friends with Roger was great. He is still one of the few people that knows me like the back of their hand. He could be exasperating at times, but ultimately he was my best friend. I could be mad at him, but no one else was allowed to.

Oblivion is something I live in often when it comes to the opposite gender. Throughout Junior and Senior year of high school people told me Roger liked me. I blew off their remarks. I had a long-term boyfriend, who was an idiot, but I was too googly-eyed to notice.

Spring semester of Senior year I finally broke up with my silly boyfriend of 14 months. The first person I turned to was Roger. A lot of other things began to fall a part in my life at the same time. Roger broke up with his girlfriend two weeks later. We began to hang out frequently. Our parents were close and we just clicked. It was easy being around Roger. I could tell him anything.

Some nights we just sat by a lake close by and talked. We talked about college, hopes, dreams, aspirations, beliefs. I felt safe with Roger. Roger began to disclose his feelings for me. I reciprocated. I was really happy that summer. But practical Kara knew I could not go into college with a fresh relationship. I broke it off at the end of the summer. Maybe it was cold. I just thought it was best for both of us. I knew he had to find himself and I had to find myself.

I went through a brief, unstable relationship at the beginning of college. When Roger found out I think it really hurt him. I did not mean to, but I was naive. I became defensive. It wasn't like he went to college and made the best choices. I still don't think he knows how hearing about his college experiences affected me. He changed. I changed.

Roger now has been dating a girl for 1 1/2 years. But at breaks when we hang out, the same feelings resurface. After he re-confessed his love for me this past summer despite still being in a relationship, I knew something had to change. I could not sleep with a clean conscious if I knew just by contacting my best friend I could be hurting another woman.

I learned I had to let go of something I love. We weren't broken, he didn't do anything mean to me, we just changed. He moved on. I had to let him go. Sometimes I think about calling him. Sometimes I want to text him about funny things or struggles of mine. I can't. He's not available. He's not there. Sometimes I wonder if they broke up if we would start talking again. If we'd become friends and maybe more. I suppress these thoughts because you can't think like that. It is selfish that I wish him unhappiness just so I can have my best friend back. It won't ever be the same. Learning to let go for someone else's happiness is hard. I still struggle with not saying I like him just so I can have him back. Deep down I know he would drop everything to be with me. But that is wrong. I don't deserve him. I had my chance.

I miss him a lot. Things will never be the same between him and I. Honestly, I do not know when I will even see him again. We're growing up and changing, but we will always have that summer.